I'm back on neocities hello :) Maybe I'll actually learn to make a website that isn't so offensive to the eyes, I'd really like to. So what's happened in the meantime- I've turned 21, moved to a new city, started and lost a job and went on holiday to Poland. It doesn't feel like it's been that eventful because I still spend the majority of my time alone but I've gotten some stuff done. It sucks being unemployed! I don't even qualify for any sort of real benefits or anything also so I'm living off my insanely generous boyfriend until I can find a job and believe me I've been looking. I feel like I'm finally growing up, learning to do normal people things and talking to people and renting a flat- well a room in a houseshare. I've been dying to go swimming so hopefully I can do that soon too it would really raise my spirits.
Hello! Things have changed a lot since my last post. I moved out, have a boyfriend I love and am looking for a job. Things aren't all peachy though, the circumstances around me leaving home are difficult for me to think about. I am to blame for a lot of pain but I had to take control of my life. I had to make a choice. It feels strange being in a relationship after spending so much time completely alone. I have developed a bit of a stutter now along with just strange syntax when I speak because I'm still not used to talking this much anymore and residual mental illness. Well not residual. I still have depressive episodes, and maybe they're worse because it's even emptier and I keep finding more things to hate myself for. I struggle thinking about my family. I feel too evil for my boyfriend, and sometimes I feel like he's evil. But we're just human and I get sick sometimes but I 'm grateful there's someone out there who wants to know me like that and love me in return. Anyway, I'm just anxious to get settled and have a job and hobbies and freedom and maybe some friends. I hope I can be good.
I'm not unhappy, well most of the time I'm not unhappy. I'm just very lonely and understimualted. I've been enjoying cooking and baking a lot more, getting better at it and eating proper meals. I've lost some weight which I like. I also started smoking a while ago. Whenver I smoke I think of a line fromn the importance of being earnest: ' Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.' I'm glad to hear of it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind.”
Well Matt has officially declared that we'll never be together. As much as it hurts me I think I knew all along. There is something wrong with me that prevents me from having and enjoying normal friendships and romantic relationships. I think I liked pining because it felt romantic to wait for him. I thought he'd appreciate my loyalty, I don't know if it's all that common nowadays. But it wasn't romantic, I was acting like a psycho. I really have a horrible way of emoting. I don't think I'll stop feeling burning shame or missing him anytime soon. I just feel really embarassed about it.
Today I'm going to make chicken and bean burritos for dinner because I'm not that bothered about cooking. I might go see the new M Night movie too just to get out of the house a bit. It's driving me mental.
it's nearly my twentieth birthday. it's on the 11th. you could cut the ennui with a knife. it doesn't feel like a beginning.
You have to respect ryan murphy for what he did with the earlier seasons of American horror story. He has a real shlocky homosexual eye for things which I appreciate a lot. But it’s not total rubbish its elevated trash. He’s a really funny guy and I respect him a lot. Jessica Lange in Asylum was a revelation. But you have to wonder how that ever was on television. My only complaint is the nipple censorship, but you have to accept that with pre streaming American tv that’s not like hbo
They just don’t make objects of desire like they used to.
Im listening to three six mafia in an unusually positive mood. I mean I’ve been a real fuckup lately I’ve experienced a lot of rejection recently but not really the kind that matters. It’s just bruised my ego really. A lot of people tell me there’s no such thing as normal people and its sort of narcissistic to think of oneself as different. I don’t see it that way. I don’t think normal people are emotionless passionless npcs. They just know how to contain their thoughts and behaviours within rational parameters or maybe it’s not knowing, it just comes naturally. I think my brain is wired wrong because its very difficult for me to think rationally. Im finding it difficult to control my eating and I’ve been binging meaninglessly. Going to fast to hopefully clear my head. I’m finding it difficult to have morals and control my thoughts and stuff. Just scrolling past videos about kids with aids and saying oh no that sucks about like murder. I don’t even mean to be like that. When I’m beautiful I get angry at not being safe and loved just for that. Man I just have like a lot a lot of shame like bucketloads and I do make it worse for myself I guess I take responsibility for that in my own counterintuitive way.the Shit That Drives Me Wild list is getting longer and longer by the day and more pointed towards myself. When the things I think are fated don’t happen it drives me a bit mental. Was nice to be up north again at least. The drive up there was amazing. i need to stop abusing sex as a therapy tool.
There is a real pleasure in self destruction or maybe it’s just a weird, perverted search for routine. My life feels really weird, like it’s on pause or I’m in limbo or something. I would be okay if this lasted a short period of time, but it feels like this has lasted forever. Well, it hasn’t been forever it’s been about 4 years. It’s sort of embarrassing to admit but I feel like a victim. I’m not sure of what and there isn’t a clear perpetrator, but it seems like some terrible act has been committed against me. Maybe that’s just what it feels like to be unwell. I find it difficult to see the bigger picture and get out of my head. I guess this is where therapy would step in. I’m an idiot for not going and I’m an idiot for feeling so close to death. I feel cradled by it I guess, I’m happy that life is bookended by something dark and unknown. Maybe I’ll hate being dead. I have no idea.
I don’t think I’ve ever put more than 2 seconds of thought into anything I’ve done in my life. You’d think something like ending your life inspires a desire to leave a mark or some sort of legacy but it’s the opposite case for me. I’m quite embarrassed by how I’ve lived. I’m well aware that It’s all in my hands and that I have the capability to change but I’d rather die than be honest with myself. It’s a pretty bleak world out there for those of us with no self-belief, to be detached from yourself and so uninterested is a bizarre living experience. I’m either disgusted by my body and mind or basically a vegetable. It is weird to have delusions of grandeur whilst being a social failure 3/10 loser- not that I want to make this a boo-hoo I’m so sad I suck manifesto, I think at some points I liked myself and I’m quite confident despite all my flaws. I don’t think the world sucks and I think things can be incredibly positive if you have the energy to assert yourself as a citizen of the world. Unfortunately, I’d rather jump off a bridge in central Manchester. I’ve wanted to die for quite a long time but I’m quite chicken about methods. Things like drowning seem quite beautiful until you find yourself in the pool with a weight tied to your leg- then it’s just scary and a horrible way to die. Jumping is probably horrible too, but guns are not easily accessible in this country and sodium nitrite is hard to come by now everyone knows it’s used for suicide. I haven’t been as invested in anything as I am in thoughts of my suicide. I’ve always been intellectually lazy, emotionally lazy, all sorts of lazy and I blame myself for my mental illness or whatever this is. I’ve never been professionally diagnosed. Maybe I should’ve written something out to my family, but I don’t know what I’d say. Nothing of worth, nothing I can write can make anything okay about what I’m planning to do. It is a horrible, selfish act. I’ve been in a lot of mental pain. I cry and feel like there’s a big empty hole in my chest, like if I peeled back the flesh, I could see right through myself. Cliché maybe I don’t know but personally I think cliché can be powerful. Every day is worse than the last. Maybe if I had something to give I’d stay, but I’m just taking and not giving back. I feel sad that it’s ending like this, where I’ve learned nothing, taught nothing, seen nothing. Maybe I have but I can’t help my tunnel vision in a time like this. If my parents read this, I’m sorry. I wish I could have handled it. I wish I had love to give. I wish I put more effort into this stupid note. I’m such a dick.
SEE YOU ALL LATER.
FUCK! I am so tired. Always so so tired my head flops down automatically. I think I'm suffering from only person in the world syndrome. Also no one else is a person syndrome. I feel sedated my head is swinging around always. It's super frustrating. I'm a pretty healthy person so I don't know why. I have to lie down all the time i mean what is up with this. And I just had a coffee but I'm just even more tired now. its probably psychosomatic. im gonna go back to sleep anyway.
Hi everyone. I haven't updated in a while but I've been pretty busy for a while and quite sad. My initial reason for setting up this blog was for self improvement purposes, trying to learn and grow and balance my mental health. But I suppose it's become more an excercise in vulnerability and self exploration- or kind of a coping mechanism. When I think totally soberly and my feelings aren't getting in the way I realise that I'm a very sensitive person. The things that make life unbearable for me is other people's everyday or maybe even desirable to some. I don't really have a desire to live or be part of the wider social body. And maybe it's trauma, this morning I read a little bit about enmeshment trauma and it seemed to fit with what makes me neurotic. But there's a lot of things that make me neurotic and peeling back one layer is only going to reveal 1000 more. To truly get better and live a life I can label as contented seems like it would take a lot of work and heartache. Pain, I understand, is necessary when you're trying to fix something horribly wrong. But I feel I've been in pain too long, my faculties are weak and I can't muster up the energy of care enough for myself to revolt. The politics of this particular revolution are complicated and I've been so worn down I feel I can't approach the situation with the nuance it deserves. It's been hard is what I'm trying to say.
My love life has been a source of great confusion too. Well my love life isn't really a love life it's more me trying to replicate a space where I cannot be traumatised. I guess I'm bonded to him by trauma but it's not the same for him he didn't experience what I did. And I want to go back to having him support me but it isn't fair or healthy. But it also isn't fair or healthy how he's treated me. And it's sort of crushed my confidence in that department and left me disillusioned but I think that's what first love is supposed to do like prime you for future heartbreak and love. At least that's my theory.
I guess my new goal is to seperate from my family, the places and people that I associate with all the bad stuff and see a therapist. Try and build a relationship with my family that serves both of us and allows me to emancipate myself. Get help and work really hard on my depression and whatever mental illness cocktail I get diagnosed with. Try and actually respect myself as a human being and try and rediscover my identity because it's been totally buried by all this stuff. I have no idea if I'll even stay alive but all I can do is try and help myself.
I hope you guys are doing well and if not I hope you feel supported and maybe this even makes you feel less alone maybe?
have a lovely day,
Lu
i am not sad but i'm not happy. i just read someone say that as a creative they believe in quantity over quality. referring to stephen king as an example. but as a "consumer"- sidenote, i despise that word. it makes me think of a catatonic jabba the hutt character swallowing media like tic tacs. But it's not like most of us take any other kind of approach to media. Even critique is a tic tac! Regurgitation is so repulsive! Does anyone else feel super brain damaged post- covid? I don't know if days are good or bad. I want Objective Good to hold all the time like a stress ball. U must cultivate it though and not just say I want I want I want! The brain is a muscle? Make it do the intellectual equivalent of push ups! Anyway she said as a consumer you should prioritise quality over quantity. But that's something known innately. i'm more interested in musings on the creative process. When does your bullshit cross the invisible line from vomit to art? do you just have to peacock and have confidence or do you have to actually pay dues and know what you're talking about. I'm trying to find a way to reconnect my spirit and mind and body. They're all wayward and FUCKED. Yonic wounds are appearing () damn that's crazy
Hi, I just wanted to come on here and update. I've been here a week so far and i'm managing okay. No breakdowns, crying or suicidal ideation yet. Obviously things upset me a lot but I just get over it or compartmentalise and save the undoing for later. There are a lot of old knots to undo! Today I am feeling MELANCHOLY. I am here praying and wishing. The creative juices are more congealed sludge than juices. All other juices are irrelevant. My symbiosis!! Just kidding. What I want is to feel sublime!!! Full up in my own body. Right now I only feel filled up to about my lower intestines but it's a bad liquid. The humours are out of wack! I am sad that I am disconnected but it would be a lie to pretend to be connected or even aspire towards making connections. There should be a way where you can be strong and not confused and lovely and human. My flesh is very frustrating. It's hard to lug it around and it's reaction times are slow these days. Maybe a confusing metaphor, for the sake of my vanity I am not morbidly obese it's the split between the spirit and the body aka corporeal form aka soft white underbelly. I feel like one big underbelly getting prodded and poked. Essentially I am confused. I read fran lebowitz's answers to some questions and I could never think of that. I'd say cheap tawdry self deprecating things. Well I suppose that's why I'm me and fran lebowitz is fran lebowitz. is wishing to be sympathised with a red flag when you're trying to find a path to excellence? I'd think so. It seems like all the excellent people are excellent from afar and watch all of us non excellent people desire so much and not find it in eachother or in ourselves. I talk a lot of shit huh. It is a balmy night here in the arabian gulf. Perfect for humaning. Is there nothing more parasitic than that?
Love that is stupid but true,
Lu
blessed day my friends!!! so i mean objectively my day is going dogshit but i feel alright apart from the nausea and the burnt face. My flight is at 6am tomorrow. currently rummaging around trying to find all the books i borrowed from uni so i can go to the library and return them. i got a call from an unknown number and im 99 percent sure i know who it was but i wont write it or say it out load but i totally know it was them. my mood is a little better and my depression has lifted a little bit which is mega super awesome! ive been thinking about next year and my parents with a little bit less fear. keep it up me :)
how did i used to lie in bed naked with some dude? idk. i wanna sleep next to matt. i've been feeling so nauseous every night, not sure why. is purgatory real? the first time i was kissed i didnt know what to do so i just lay there nauseous with a killer headache and my mouth open. my friend told me id figure it out but i didn't. the politics of desirability terrify me. the politics of any relationship. im interested if im not involved though. isnt insane how much technology has perverted our routines and existences? if i wasn't freaked out i'd embrace the metaverse with open arms but its obviously nefarious as fuck. its kind of hot to be plugged in and passive. my conception of what is hot is a little unhinged, i admit. i'm sad that i can't just pretend it's the 70s, i'm too corrupted. i want a subway sandwich and an iced coffee. i never really make sandwiches at home, it seems like a form of witchcraft. do you believe in traditional rules and instruction? some of it is bullshit i guess but a lot of it is just hard to swallow pills. i should buy weed. I'd be a lot more bearable as a stoner. do beautiful girls even think about being beautiful? like i'm sure they do but how do they go about it. english summer rain! seems to last for ages. the vibe shift is so real. its like the sun is plastic and the grass is little cut up strips of vinyl. not even astroturf! even men feel fake. I wonder how I'd react of someone broke and entered my flat. Maybe I'd be so out of my head I'd embrace them. I hate people so much but I think it's just projection, doesn't change anything though. People always overestimate the reach and capability of self awareness. Sometimes it's worse to know what you've done wrong. It's not philisophical it's just narcissm. It's not narcissm it's just a byproduct of our culture of brutality. We do live in a culture of brutality, I do hope you recognise that. We love to cannibalise. You don't need to pathologise your emotions, there's nothing wrong. Every day my brain feels so turgid and hot and grey in my mind. It's definetly overheated, long ago I'm sure. If brains had fans. Is there something to be said about zombies? I don't read philosophy. I do know names though. Bataille. Derrida. Deleuze. They sound cool. I have read the story of the eye. It's been raining all night. In my mind I am with him and beautiful. In reality I am lying on my sofa creating back problems to deal with in my thirties. I never really feel anything apart from anger. I cry every once in a while. sometimes i put as much of my hand as i can in my mouth because it feels like support. i don't laugh. ill eat half a loaf of bread. ill break down every couple weeks. you can't lament what you have created for yourself but i don't remember the construction process. I don't remember anything, all i know if how i feel right now, my eyelids are heavy, my brain swollen and hot to the touch and tender. i guess i'll go to sleep.
god. So I know I said I would actually produce something of worth here but honestly I am so depressed and suicidal I just needed something to do so I wouldn't start crying lying on the sofa. So hi! I'm dying. I'm really dying. I've got a thing I set up with Matt on Friday, I really hope he shows up. I know he will, but it hurts to wait. I want to see him so badly. I'm going to stay with my parents all summer as per usual and I don't know how to cope. At least if we stayed here I could drink my way through the summer but no, I really have to keep rawdogging life. I really feel like a corpse tied to the back of a speeding car just getting dragged around and shit.TOO MUCH! I find it really embarassing saying I'm depressed and suicidal because I know it's my fault but also god i need some kind of kindness. I made bread today, it turned out really good! I mean it looks a little bit r-worded because I couldn't figure out how to get the plait right but it's gorgeous to eat it's all fluffy inside and a little bit sweet... amazing.
I don't know how I'm not dead yet. This has honestly been the worst year of my life. I keep finding myself at lower and lower lows. Maybe it's time to just throw my ideals away and get professional help. I don't think I've had one day this year where I haven't felt so deeply ashamed and suicidal it hurts to breathe. I'm so lonely I think I say a handful of sentences each day and half of those are me talking to myself. It's so embarassing to type this out but what is a girl to do. My bones are freezing cold. I watch a lot of movies and tv to pass the time. Or I walk for hours outside and pretend I have important things to do. I wish I had a real mother. The cultural gap is wider than anyone lets on, I can cry in my mothers arms but as soon as I open my mouth I am met with reproach or frustration. I can't help the way I am maybe and my mother certainly can't help the way she is. She's a good person, I guess it's just hard to deal with a daughter who is so foreign and difficult. I think maybe I'll take my life this summer, I don't know how much longer I can keep going. It seems like I'm only living out of fear of hurting my family, but honestly at this point I'm so numbed to everything that I don't think I care about what they think anymore, the problem lies more with the logistics of the suicide more than anything. I wish I could just die in my sleep, I really do. I just feel so weird and cold. So weird.
kisses forever,
lu
God, what a mess I've made of the past couple weeks. I think I'm subconsicously trying to ruin my own life for some strange reason. Self preservation through destruction, God knows. Yesterday I watched the piano teacher. Matt and I talked a little bit at the beginning of the week but he's gone away as per usual. When this happens I want to peel my skin and live inside out. I love him I think. But I'll never tell him, he'd never understand.I wish we had a button we could push to switch everything on and off, live out the overwhelming parts and wake up when it's over. I hate being overwhelmed, it seems it's just the natural state of things for me these days. It's the queen's platinum jubilee this weekend which means she's been on the throne 70 years. Sort of strange to have a national holiday celebrating someone for not dying and keeping their power, seems kinda cucked to me. But that's an oversimplification of the whole argument. Monarchy is one of the key components of the British national fabric. It's sort of in the constitution that the population be submissive and sycophantic this way. I was in primary school during the last jubilee and it was pretty fun, we had a fair and they gave us these cool commemorative coins. When things go so wrong for so long it feels like on some level you're already dead, or you've outstayed your welcome on this planet. My flesh is necrotic and my body fails me. I feel it's my duty/destiny to die. I talked to a friend about it a couple months ago and he said the universe would never push anyone to suicide, but I think maybe if you can't find what role you're meant to fulfill it's implicit and you should just dispose of yourself quietly and with little fuss. I guess all we're all looking for is someone who doesn't laugh at you and call you dramatic when you say things like that. Tbh I'm pretty resigned and am just trying to live on what scraps I can scrounge up. It's not fun being depressed but you can try to make the most of it, just don't be horrible to those around you or at least try. Hopefully summer isn't too awful.
Love,
lulu
Earlier today I felt a great lightness. It was like my swollen mind had been drained, my lungs felt infinite, my mind without boundaries, my heart so light and accessible I almost cried. It was my pedestrian version of St Teresa being penetrated with God’s love, except it wasn’t the doing of God, I’m not sure what it was, though I could’ve told you why and conjured up any manner and mix of words at the time. The flame died out eventually because, as always, I can’t communicate it. I feel deprived by the universe to not have a great friend or lover I can have as a vessel for my ecstasies and despairs. I want to be a vessel for someone else in the same way, pushed beyond boundaries and feeling so good and bad it drives me out of my body and back in again like a trampoline.
I’m not an artist. I’m not a great writer or musician or painter. I’m in no way classically trained or know anything. I become too aware and self conscious of what I’m doing, my processes taken over by insecurity and my awareness of how infantile and asinine my thoughts and products are. At the end my work becomes a mess of self pity and navel gazing, much worse than if i was unselfconscious and produced something silly and adolescent. I want to expel and use my sensitivity and feelings to light fires in other people, to become part of the universe or a real body and be a part of a process. I want to crawl into someone's chest cavity and make a home nestled beside their beating heart. I want to weep at my loneliness, often things are so overwhelming I can’t think or speak, I feel driven to suicide. When amongst other people it’s even worse, I’m so aware of how disjointed and idiotic I seem, how my ideas fall flat because I don’t attempt to make a door for them to cross through or even meet or know anyone who would be receptive in any way. Yesterday I read drugs are nice and I felt so filled with hope by the end. Lisa Carver is an angel on earth. I don’t want to feel crazy anymore.
I haven’t really done anything to write about or started any of my promised pieces I’m afraid. I’m sat in a starbucks right now with my laptop in the most neolib outfit accidentally cultivating the most neolib aura. It wasn’t my choice to be here, I have no control over my life at the moment. But I feel okay!
Something really beautiful happened today. Doesn’t mean everything is fixed but it didn’t hurt. All I can hope and work for is the absence of pain, nothing more nothing less. Yep.
I’m pretty busy at the moment but hopefully I can do some more stuff on here. Hopefully will have time to do stuff of more substance that makes me happy. Cu guys
Anyway here's some music! They're playing chewing gum rn which is a song I was obsessed with last year... and also more pop...
Confronting everything about myself at the moment. Not In a cruel self-rejecting way but trying to improve and fix up a little bit. My avoidance of my university work and things is pretty tough to confront but it is revealing of other problems in my personality and self. I run away from making my life better and pass on responsibility to mental illness which I seem to nurture, not sure if I do it consciously or subconsciously. I’m a very stubborn person and it shows, I begin destroying my life and body and mind in some sort of strange rebellion every time I feel I’ve been wronged or have been limited in some way. I feel a lot of regret of how I wasted the year, but I can’t let it consume me or I’ll keep acting this way. I think my lack of friends and helpful support system really exacerbates my shitty behaviour because no one I trust can hold me accountable or help me. I guess now going to therapy and getting some sort of diagnosis and instruction might help but generally I don’t know. I can’t fix it fast enough. I’m trying to be optimistic, but I feel so scared and alone I’m not even sure what to do. I want to scream. But I’ll be strong. My obsession with Matt also concerns me a lot. I’m not the same as I used to be but I don’t know it hurt me a lot. I think I came to uni with a lot of wounds that I didn’t have time to heal, I didn’t even really recognise what was wrong and I poked at them all year. I feel very stunted and embarrassed to be alive. Most of the time I feel really suicidal or disassociated. Hopefully when I finish my work and have time to think about things I stay wanting to progress and not fall into another bad depressive episode.
A sort of friend I’ve been talking to online introduced me to Hype Williams and I’ve been checking out Dean Blunt and Inga Copeland and stuff a lot lately. I really like the sound, idk its something new and amazing well not new now but its so amazing. Joanne Robertson is coming to Salford and I’d really like to see her but I won’t be allowed to. I want to start making music. I want to learn and read a lot. I hope now I can move past my messy brain and just throw myself into all the stuff I’ve always wanted to read and do. There’s so much knowledge and stuff in the world. I want to be part of it I want to be connected to other people. Hopefully things really change. This time, I won’t just wish for change but I’ll actively make it. I’ll alter my thought patterns so I’m not like this anymore. If I ever grow out of it I’ll be so grateful.
I haven’t done anything this past year, but I hope I don’t punish myself or am not punished too hard for that. I want to get back on track. I want to get better. I know I’ve been starting all my sentences with I but I won’t apologise. This is my blog! I think I’m going to start learning Spanish because I want to watch more telenovelas. I want to go to Latin America one day, I think its really cool.
I have to work a lot on all the uni work I didn’t do so I probably wont post much, and if I do I’ll be stressed rambling. Hopefully in the summer I’ll be writing about all the things I’ll be able to do then.
Love you so much,
L
Ok. Time for a series of painful soul-searching entries. Throughout my days of just chillin coping with my cowardice and mediocrity, I have a couple epiphanies a day about myself and why I am the way I am. The way I love being appreciated as the only one and being found in weird places because I know as a fact I couldn’t survive in a competitive environment on my own merit. The way I pick things up and dump them quickly because I have no willpower or desire to learn unless it results in a daydream ending. The way I attach myself to people like him because I’m too afraid to learn to navigate those worlds myself at this age. The way I coddle myself and wasted a year indoors nurturing every bad aspect of myself. The way I blame my parents and the way they raised me, but I don’t even try to explain to them. Even the way I write this is manipulative and self-pitying all the same. I can hate myself all I want but I can’t seem to change.
A couple weeks ago I stumbled across that Whitehouse song about Tracey Emin, and Cut Hands Have the Solution and it was like a call out and I don’t care if those songs are meant to be a parody or if they’re meant to be sincere, but it made me feel like death. To be honest most things do because if we’re discussing the way I am now I’m severely dysfunctional and look like a complete idiot next to any normal human being my age (or not). I literally cannot think positively about myself. Maybe I’m projecting when I get angry at everyone else. I probably spend way too much time alone and in my own head. People are such a foreign concept. It seems like I’m ever so acutely aware of every problem I have but also don’t know anything. Most days I’m running in circles either disassociated or suicidal or planning a French exit from my own life. I feel so deeply institutionally unlikable unlovable unfixable unworthy pathetic, and I don’t know what to do. What do I step up to? Maybe if I felt supported or something. I’m nearly 20 but I feel like a baby.
Even the way I write is like the sentences are a series of premature ejaculations, nothing is finished, everything is fast, short, clumsy. Idk man. This has got me fucked up. The people I talk at on the internet have heard this way too much. It’s true, on some level I’m dead and inorganic. I seriously can’t see a world where I get better and become more conscious of the world and people around me no matter how hard I try. I’d like to make this productive in some sense, but I really don’t know how to make it fit the narrative I want. Like I want an ending where it’s like. But I’m totally fine!!! But I’m not fine at all and it’s getting worse every day. But it’s not even a beautiful breakdown, it’s just me in whichever room, crying occasionally.
Anyway, if God’s there. PLS HELP ILL MAKE IT UP 2 U LATER!
Yours sincerely,
L
I guess this is becoming more of a whine whine emo diary than I intended it to be. Oops. I hate myself when I whine and when I don't take action in my life. In my head I believe I should live this spartan existence where I just train myself to be the best with no distraction forever but it's clearly not happening in my life so what is that thought even worth you know. Whenever I have thoughts like that I try to get up and be an active participant in my life but I feel like. My mediocrity is so deep set so why should I even try. I don't stop though I keep going but it does make me feel a bit meh about trying to accomplish things. But still I have this like drive in me to self actualise or go beyond and like break the cycle. I know I need to break the cycle. Most of this year and for most of my life I've been just hanging on deeply suicidal sometimes psychotic very mentally stunted and deficient but that's not the life I want to lead. I'm really trying to change but I can't help but feel like I'm stupid and weak and deformed and retarded. But I'm really trying!
When I was younger and didn't really understand my trauma I tried to medicate and help myself through boys and friends. I don't really have any sense of identity, even now I struggle a lot with being alone and trying . I don't know if it's to do with my upbringing which was quite difficult but I blame myself. I still really struggle not reaching out to people and asking for help. I wasn't really loved as a kid/teen. Even now. When I would talk to therapists etc about it in the past they wouldn't really comprehend it and I could never really verbalise it. I wasn't really abused in a classical sense it was more complicated than that. In fact I wouldn't even call it abuse, it's just that my personality and my
parents is a combination that would only end in disaster. I don't care about the physical stuff, to me it's neglible. I've exhausted that. It's really not the problem. The problem is the suffocation and the constant reminder that love is conditional and that what I'm really like is unacceptable and warrants rejection. Even now when I'm home I'm always afraid of being hurt. I will never feel comfortable around my father and in some ways what he does to me permanently broke me.
I hate talking about mental health though because to me it feels like a pointless excersise. Like the person I'm talking to always comes to the same conclusion. And the pity and the oversimplication of the situation doesn't help. It just feels like I'm going in circles and God I'm trying but its stupid. I always had this fantasy growing up of someone being tender with me and helping me move on from everything and making life feel okay again but I need to learn to help myself and I don't know if it ever will work. Maybe I'll look back on this in a year and laugh.
I thought before if I could be an object of desire it would numb everything for me. So I obsessed over my appearance, developed bulimia pretty young and started being like an internet whore (gag). The irony is bulimia fucked my body up and the obsession with appearance developed into bdd which turned me into a borderline agoraphobe and made me have multiple psychotic breaks. Now I'm still reeling from all this. I'm pretty quiet and silent now just because I've kind of been broken by all this stimulation and craziness.
Ultimately though now the situation has calmed down and I'm dealing with the aftermath of years of destroying myself. Picking up the pieces is a difficult thing to do but it must be done. I know in a lot of ways I'm a shitty person and there is a good portion of the blame that should be allocated to me but it's beyond blaming now it's just like here are the problems let's do all we can to fix them because this problem is bigger than angst and feeling stupid now. I can pretty confidently say it's a state of life or death, maybe not literal but it's a breaking point for sure.
I really don't know what would help. Sometimes I think maybe I am just pushing at immovable biological limitations and I am just too stupid on a genetic level to move past this. But I'm still young, I'm 19, I'm trying my hardest to not fall into the trap of being a sad invalid and preserving my body and mind until things get better.
Anyway today I'm thinking about Bjorn Andresen. Mortal Angel. Do you think beautiful people are inherently better? I'm not sure. Sometimes I think they're touched by something divine that makes them that way. When someone looks like a deity. I don't know.
I'm pretty tired so I'm going to work out and go to bed.
New post from me. Whoopee. Was planning to write something on Dario Argento and his movies, do a Suspiria 1977 vs Suspiria 2019 sort of thing and talk about Profondo Rosso and other Argento films. The Argento girl, giallo, loving horror movies and the aesthetics of it. How I don't really care about substance when there's style. And Goblin's music! Watching Suspiria it stuck out to me as one of my favourite parts of the film and I definetly want to check out more of it! Also wanted to sperg about my love for Asia Argento and that one scene from Une vieille maîtresse that is basically my romantic manifesto but I didn't make it shame shame shame on me. But I didn't really get time to write or watch or do any music listening or reading because I was busy on a plane all day trying to sleep! I'm visiting my parents in a country in the Arabian Gulf I won't say much because it makes it sound cooler than it is. I like to travel usually I love watching movies in my cramped little seat and doing little autistic aeroplane food reviews but also sometimes travel can be evil and heinous. Last time I had to travel I had a psychotic meltdown in the plane and started screaming and crying and throwing up. Literally. On the plane. I remember vividly writing a post on how I was feeling. I saved it and I attached it to a Kanye West song. I think it was New Slaves. I'm over my tangle with Kanye I think. It all started when I went to visit my friend in London back in October and took LSD for the first time and lost my virginity to a Russian economics student. He was a nice guy. I want to try it again but it's difficult for me to buy drugs because 1. I'm shy and 2. I don't have any crypto. Anyway I'll paste the post here so we can look at it together:
truly beyond helping now lol. i listened to yeezus in full, grew a dick, watched artificial intelligence and i was so afraid. i always get so obsessed with characters like teddy like the whole movie was kinda bizarre and strange i was crying and throwing up and in and out of sleep all day and feeling extremely strange. i guess it kind of fit? the guy in front of me had his hand on the chair and his hand triggered something so like visceral and base in me i had to go to the toilet and dig my nails into my thighs so i wouldn’t start crying so hard it would get embarrassing and noticeable by people around me. im nearly home now and i heard a couple of girls talking like introductory small talk. it kind of upset me because i get tripped up even there when people ask me where im from i never know what to say. i threw up perfect mushrooms even though i ate the pizza ages ago.
Yeah. So anyway it's ramadan which means I'll be extra policed this month. So I might not be able to do as much as I want this month but I'll def get the Argento/Giallo thing out as well as a piece hopefully on conspiracies and I'd really like to write more on horror movies and like Rob Zombie and slashers and Cannibal Holocaust and the Disturbing Movie to appreciating good horror pipeline. Also a bit on why I don't like Ari Aster and Cabin in the Woods. I'll try not to be insufferable about it. Also I will probably work on a big piece on diet. But that will probably take a couple months.
Anyway I'm drafting texts to my ex now. I want to talk to him but I need it to convey what I really want to say.
Nice talking, cu guys later.
There is a stillness to this part of the internet that I enjoy. Usually my brain is rushing and spinning and catastrophising but this soothes me, peeking into other people's little slices of internet soothes me. I've always been a voyeur, not in the sexual sense, actually I'm not sure voyeur is the right word at all. But I just enjoy slipping into other people's lives and catching a glimpse of their private environment. I guess that's why I've always loved seeing people's bedrooms. You can learn a lot about a person from their bedroom. If it's bare, if it's messy, if it's neurotically clean, how it smells, how it's lit, the bed, pictures, perfume on the counter. When I was 14 my best friend and I would sneak into people's houses and explore, obviously not legal and a huge invasion of privacy but it was fun... At the moment I don't really have a bedroom but when I did it was messy and I would always burn candles that smell like cinnamom and cloves and vanilla. I had ticket stubs blutacked on my headboard and a picture of Michaelangelo's David that I would talk to when I was upset. I have a bit of a nerdy obsession with perfumes (I'm on fragrantica a LOT) and I would display them all on my dresser with my cheap tourist trinkets from Paris and Istanbul and Rome.There were always clothes on the floor and my curtains were gauzy and sheer.
I always wanted to invite people into my bedroom but I was and still am a very solitary person with no friends. There was one boy I felt a real connection with though. We met on the internet (I know) on 4chan (I know) which felt natural to me because I was and very much still am a deeply online person. But he lived in the same country as me and was totally beautiful and funny and smart and cool and for some reason he liked me too! I always wanted to invite him into my bedroom and see if he would understand the intimacy of me showing him that inner part of me but circumstances didn't allow for that. Recently we got back in touch but he's still very much the distant hot and cold guy I knew from before but I have faith we will have our moment. But yeah the internet... even though I'm online a lot I feel I don't really fit in anywhere, online or not. Being a weirdo is hard, especially if you can't even fit into the strange fringe categories there already are. I always liked the idea of a diary, or a secluded space I could choose to build and maintain and work at and it can be shitty but also tryhard and fun and creative. The internet allows me to do that. Irl I'm suffocated by a lot of things. I have a family that is extremely overbearing and dislike who I am, I live in a country that is foreign to me, I have no real life outlet for my frustrations and my hopes and fears and insecurities. Even though I love the internet I hope I can feel at home irl one day. It's really difficult to be a shut in. I feel unlovable and strange and deformed a lot of the time even though I'm essentially a normal young woman. I hope it will work out for me and you as well if you're reading this and feel similarly. But yeah I just felt like writing something out as I can't sleep. A lot of the time I feel I am playcating a personality or an identity or assuming a persona when I write or interact with others, I wish I could feel more natural to just write and do what I want. But hopefully one day I'll get to the real bottom of why I'm the way I am.
Have a good night,
your friend Lala
Remember: comparison is the thief of joy
So hello! This is my first post! I'm not going to leave this as is, but I can't spend much time on it right now because I've got a flight to catch and I've got loads of stuff to get ready and pack! I guess I'll just talk about what I've been thinking abouut lately. To get the personal stuff out of the way I have been struggling with my mental health and have started or want to start doing a lot more research on it. A guy I knew online sent me a pdf on MDMA solo therapy a couple of months ago and althought I probably won't do that the writer did reference a lot of interesting books on trauma and ideas on meditation that I'm going to look further into. I've also enjoyed cooking more and want to learn more about how to cook and like the nitty gritty science of it. I'd also like to do a lot more reading on the gut microbiome and nutrition, It's becoming more and more important to to me and I'd really like to cut out all my unhealthy habits. I also have sorted a workout routine for myself and am getting flexible and attempting to improve my posture coz it's horrendous!!
As for music I've been really feeling folk music lately. My Album of the Week is definetly Illuminations by Buffy Sainte Marie- I'll write more about her and folk music in general later. I'm currently reading The Oddysey and I'm just like very into Greek myths and shit right now. The beautiful mediterranean vibes and images and like eroticism and masculinity of it is really compelling to me right now. I promise my future posts will be a lot more organised and original than this and not like: this is what I have consoomed this week like this is. I really want to do a lot of like casual research and writing on here because there's a lot of stuff I want to learn more about both for fun and to try and help myself detangle and "heal my inner child". Anyway it was nice talking, this website stuff is a bitch when you're a noob like me.
Here's some of Buffy's songs I'd like to share: